Taking control by losing it
by loudthoughts
Summary: Chapter 8 now! REVIEW! "A hostage situation forces the squad to see what happens when a detective reaches wit's end and how friendship sometimes blinds you from seeing the signs of desperation." Rated T for violence and mild language.
1. Chapter 1

_Another try at the interaction between Olivia and someone other than Elliot because I want to practice before I write about that relationship. _

_This is in no way a romance/shippy story, just about the horrible things that can happen between and to our friends when you don't pay attention. This will be my first attempt at a multi-chapter fic, and another is following shortly because I write two at a time. _

_Disclaimers: I own nothing, but I sure as hell wish I did._

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"Liv. Olivia, I really need you to put down the gun." Munch was struggling to keep his voice even; it was hard enough to have to point his weapon at Olivia, let alone talk her down. "And I really need for you to shut the hell up, John. I don't need to be talked to like I don't know what the fuck is going on here."

Olivia moved slightly to her right and pointed with her free hand to the window that was about a foot to her left. "I know SWAT is right out that window, probably on the roof across the street, about 15 yards away. I know that you have a hearing device in your left, wait, no, your right ear. Cragen is in the room right here" she taps the wall directly to her right, "talking to you so calm and quickly, that all you want is for him to shut the hell up, so you can concentrate. I know this John. This has been my life, my _whole fucking _life, for the past decade! So don't try to talk me down, don't try and pretend like we're gonna walk out of here ok, and don't tell me to put my freaking gun down!" Olivia's voice was shaking, and her hand was closing around her gun tighter and tighter by the minute.

Obviously, Olivia was right about SWAT, but they had strict orders that if they got a shot, and had to take it, they had to take a shot that wouldn't be lethal. Cragen was in fact in the room next door, pacing back and forth past the other officers. He was muttering under his breath when he wasn't talking to Munch, and Fin was outside of the door where Olivia, Munch and an unidentified hostage, were. The other officers were waiting on Fin's signal, bullet-proof vests on and guns in hand. The situation had unfolded in an unexpected way.

Of all the people in the squad that could have lost it, Olivia was the last on everyone's list. Elliot had been at the top however, and it was somewhat ironic that he probably could have prevented his partner's meltdown if he hadn't gotten injured on the job last week. He was still at the hospital, and didn't know about the dangerous hostage situation Olivia had, unbelievably, initiated.

"Look, Olivia. You're right; everything you just said is true. This is your whole life, and right now, this situation can be managed in somehow. If you just put down your gun, and let this guy go, we can figure something out so that you don't have to go to jail. You haven't hurt anyone, but do you want to throw it all away? Because of whoever this," Munch gestured to the man Olivia had hit over the head, "guy is? Is he worth it Liv? Is he worth throwing everything you have made of your life?" Munch listened to his captain telling him that the hostage's name was Jake Campbell, age, 59.

Olivia started to shake slightly, and if John hadn't worked with her just this morning, he would say she was high or something. "You have no…right to be talking to me about my life choices. NO Right! You've worked with me for how long John? Hm? 10 years? That's a long ass time, but you don't know me. No one knows me! Don't tell me what is or isn't worth it." But the end of what she said, she was back to calm and collected Olivia.

"Jake needs to get medical attention Olivia." Munch watched as Olivia smirked and started laughing sarcastically. "Oh, bravo. Bravo team! Didn't take you long to figure out his name. Well, I only came across him a week ago. But Munch, to answer your question, this is worth it. Completely worth my badge; my life. If this is the end of everything, I'll be able to die knowing I caused a little bit of pain in his life. A fraction of what he did to me."

Olivia never took her eyes off Jake, his upper body propped up into sitting position in the chair next to her, and her gun pressed against his head.

Cragen was silent in his ear, and John suddenly understood a little better as to why Olivia had lost it and took this guy Jake hostage. "Liv…what did he do to you?" Again Olivia chuckled. "So… now the class wants a story? _Now_ everyone wants me to share? Who noticed when I spiraled into my depression?" At John's widened eyes, she elaborated.

"Yes, yes… the strong, independent detective, who no one expected to crack under the pressure, did just that. Cragen doesn't want to see it, but I think deep down he's always waited for that phone call. The resignation letter on his desk. You saw it in me that day, all those years ago when you found out my family secret."

"But you're stronger than that Liv. I know it, Cragen, Elliot… what about your partner huh? You're just going to leave him like this? Without an explanation? If I were going to do something like this, I'd tell Fin. He's going to blame himself... you know that. You want that for him?" At his words, Olivia lowered her gun slightly, but only for a fraction of a second.

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**I actually already have the next 2 chapters written, and I will update them both at the same time, but I will hold back on the update until I get at least 10 reviews telling me what you think so far, guesses or suggestions on what you think should happen, and if I should update.**

**So please review, and if you do I will update soon!! I would hate to leave you at this point of the story...**


	2. Chapter 2

Since I only got 6 reviews, I'm going to update one chapter. I have changed this chapter recently, because I decided to go in a different direction with this story than what I had planned, because after I wrote chapter 3 and some of chater 4, I didn't know where the story would go...

If you have suggestions, please review and tell me where you think this should go, because I may re-evaluate my plans.

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"Elliot has nothing to do with this….." Olivia's voice had emotion in it again, so Munch kept going. "This is going to affect him worse than anyone else. You and this job are all he has now." Olivia had a flashback of the Gitano case: _You and this job are all I have anymore. I don't want to mess that up._

"I… this is my business. Not his. He'll deal, and he'll know this wasn't his fault." Olivia defiantly kept her head raised, and was now keeping her eyes away from Jake. She was keeping track of John's gun, and kept her focus on keeping away from the window. "He's not going to understand, Olivia. He'll make his own assumptions, and he doesn't listen to us. Only you, he'll only listen to you."

"Well, he's going to have to learn I guess. I'm tired of this John. I'm damn tired." For the first time of this whole situation, Olivia looked Munch straight in the eyes. He saw pain and exhaustion and the ever present determination in her eyes, but she had sealed her fate since the beginning, and only now did he see. She didn't want to make it out of here; this was her final plea, and he needed to prevent that.

"You're lying to me Liv. You don't want to die here, by the hand of a faceless SWAT member. You want to go down in blazing glory, saving the victim, your partner; hell, saving anyone of us, your friends. You don't want to hurt anyone, let alone me. That's why you called Fin two hours ago, and told him we needed to get our asses down here, and stop you."

Olivia had tears in her eyes, as did Munch, when she spoke. "It's true, that's why I called. That's why I haven't raised my gun at you; not once. 'Cause, let's face it, we all know I'm have a better shot. But, I'm tired of being the hero, when all I need… all I need is to be saved. I'm, I'm drowning John. I've been fucking drowning, and Elliot needs to dump his crap, his problems on me, because I hold him together. I need to keep it together for the victims, in front of you guys and the captain to keep the job I had. That was my life. It was waking up, and putting my demons and fears and problems in a box, and faking my way through another day at work, then going home and wondering why the hell I was still breathing, if every breath I took burns another hole in my heart. And you know what? That's always been enough, because through it all, I had my own little, dare I say it, family in our squad. It always kept me happy enough…"

"What changed Olivia? When did we stop bring enough? When did we become people you couldn't confide in?" John voiced the question that Cragen and Fin had been asking themselves.

"Not confide in? Hell, you people are all I have. I trusted you with my life, and I care about all of you more than I like to admit. But, how do you tell your dad you want to kill yourself? Your brothers, that you hate yourself for killing your mother little by little? How do you tell your sister that you want to just forget every minute of every day of your life by living in a bottle? How John? How did you want me to tell all of you?"

She rubbed her forehead and sighed deeply before adding, "It's better to go out in a bang, no pun intended. Hash this out with most of you present and attentive of my every step. This, mother fucking garbage here, this sick freak assaulted me, that's how I met him! He tried to fucking rape me!" Olivia hit Jake over the head with a closed fist and watched him flop onto the floor.

"You know what's screwed up about this? I can't get Cragen's voice out of my head! I'm imagining Don talking me through another hostage situation, and that's what I hear besides you! That, and Fin tapping his gun rapidly against his leg. I can imagine him telling me procedure; that I can only shoot to kill when there is an imminent threat to myself or a civilian. That the quickest way to diffuse a hostage situation is to keep saying truths that will get the hostage taker to release his victims." Now pointing the weapon at Jake to lay on the floor, John knew she was close to breaking.

"I trust you Liv; I'm not going to shot you. Jake is bleeding out though, and he needs medical assistance, even though he's a scumbag. You don't want to go to jail for murder Olivia. You want to complain about my coffee and communicate telepathically with Elliot. You want to want to kick both Fin and Cragen's asses for being overprotective. Just put the gun down." John was beginning to sweat; he was quickly fearing that Olivia' resolve to prolong this to tell her story was slipping. He needed to keep her talking.

"I'm going to let him go. This has gone on as long as it should have." With that she nudged Jake forward with her left foot and brought her gun to her chin. "I'm really sorry for not being able to talk about my problems. I don't blame anyone, but you should have seen it John. You should have told Elliot, and told Don, you should have checked on me more often, and asked how I was dealing with everything. Tell Elliot this isn't his fault-"

A single shot was heard as a gun was fired, then followed by loud footsteps of the SWAT members interrupted what Olivia had been saying. For half a second after Fin, the SWAT members, and Cragen had made their way into the room, there was only silence. Then, as if just realizing what had happened, Munch fell onto his knees and let out an anguished scream.

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Remember... this story isn't done yet.

Please review, I'll wait until I have more reviews before I post any more chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

hmm, the story goes on... so obviously, bold italics are flashback, as they are labeled.

I only own my words, and thoughts. I don't own any Law and Order SVU characters.

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3 pm. Saturday

"I don't want to talk about it. I don't need to; I'm dealing." Munch sat, stubborn as ever, in the chair facing Dr. George Huang in the FBI building. They had been staring at each other for 10 minutes, and John's words were hoarse from lack of use since last night.

"Tell me, do you think I believe you? Do you think that you're going to tell me everything is fine, and then I'll let you leave to go sit outside her apartment door for another 6 hours? You have to talk about it. You might not want to, but John, we've… we have all seen what not talking about it can…" John slammed his hand on the table that was between them and actually made the psychiatrist flinch.

"Don't." There was a moment of silence before John actually spoke again, this time distressed, not angry. "Everyday, George. She sat feet from us, and no one noticed anything was up with her. We knew she was stressed, hell we all are, but no one saw this coming. Were we blind? Elliot should have noticed; they haven't been fighting or anything…" He trailed of, obviously submerged in his own thoughts.

**_Flashback:_**

**_They were all sitting around, with only paperwork to do, so the spirits of the team weren't too low. "Hey, Elliot, catch!" Munch threw a paper ball at him and Elliot looked up just in time for it to hit him in the face. _**

**_Olivia erupted in laughter at her partner's face, and Munch, Fin and Elliot himself couldn't stop from joining her._**

"She was always so strong, so full of life; sure she had her problems, and she was flawed like us, but she was always so much better than us. She kept us alive sometimes… how could she… how could I?" John now looked at George as if he could tell him all the answers.

"John, I know it's hard to understand, and you aren't going to feel any better, but you shot Olivia because it was the only way to protect her. If you hadn't shot her in that split second when her guard was down, she wouldn't be fighting for her life in the hospital. She would be dead. You saved her by almost killing her because she would have succeeded in committing suicide." As much as it pained him to admit this out loud, George knew that it was true because Cragen had told him what had happened yesterday afternoon.

**_Flashback to Friday, 5:30 pm:_**

**_While Olivia had been goodbye, John had been torn on what to do. As Fin and Cragen opened the door, Olivia let her guard down for the briefest of seconds, and John had shot her a little off the center of her chest, somewhere between her heart and her shoulder. SWAT had burst in just as they heard the shot being taken, and then Munch had thrown himself on his knees next to Olivia. He kept apologizing to her, and the paramedics had to ask Cragen and Fin to pry him away from her side. After they did, Fin and Munch watched silently as she was taken on a stretcher, both huddled on the floor in the center of the _**

**_room. Cragen stood against a wall, looking at Jake, who was being taken as well, and silent tears ran down his devastated face._**

"I know I had to, but… she didn't deserve that. She was always so strong, how could she break like that? Olivia was the best and we would have jumped on the chance to help her." John couldn't stare at Huang's eyes, but he did concentrate on other parts of the room.

"So show it to her. Olivia is out of surgery, and while she is in a coma, they say that she might hear you. Elliot has been at her bedside since he got his doctor to approve the wheel chair for him, and if you go, you can make peace with what you did, and what she did. You need to forgive yourself, before you can forgive her." John said nothing now and just stared at the squad picture that George had on his desk. He could see himself, George, the captain, Fin, Casey, Elliot, and Olivia. She was smiling, and it made John smile just a little.

"Make peace with shooting her John. You had to, and no one hates you for it. Stop avoiding the hospital, and go sit by her and talk to her; tell her that we need her." George locked eyes with John and for the first time this afternoon, John realized how hard this was on their psychiatrist friend.

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**_Flashback:_**

**"_Olivia, did something happen?" Cragen walked towards her in the middle of the bullpen and watched as she looked around the empty desks. "Nah captain, I'm ok. I just came here because I couldn't sleep, and I might as well work on some paperwork. Why are you here so late?" Don gave her a once over and noticed her haggard appearance, deciding that if something was wrong, Olivia would be the first to reach out._**

**"_Just getting the last of my official reports done for the Boggs' case. So, see you here bright and early tomorrow Olivia." He adjusted the coat hanging over his forearm and started walking for the elevators. At the glass "SVU" doors, he was stopped by her voice however, and he looked back to see her sitting at her desk. "See you later, Captain. It's already 1 am." They shared a guilty smile, and then he was gone._**

Saturday 6 pm

"Don. Hey, Don." Dr. George Huang passively tried to get the Captain to focus back on his questions. They sat next to each other, at the coffee shop next to the hospital where Olivia was being treated.

"George, do you know what it's like to know someone is hurting; hurting so bad, that you're scared of talking to them about it, because it might make it hurt worse for them? I saw, these truths in her… these horrible things, but at the same time, she was always so… so… there that I wanted to ignore them."

George took a deep breath. This was too complicated, and yet, it was too simple. Olivia was in a coma, barely holding on, and the doctors were not hopeful that she would recover. They gave her about 4 more days before she passed away. Cragen was a mess, Fin was just as bad, Elliot had cried for hours when he had been told, and now he was quiet by her side. He hadn't spoken a word to anyone until Munch had appeared to visit her.

Munch… Munch was taking it as bad as Elliot. The shooting had been yesterday afternoon, and Munch had stayed in that hotel room until CSU had finished all of their tests. As soon as Cragen had recovered from the shock of seeing Olivia almost commit suicide, and after loading her on the ambulance, he called George. He asked if he could talk, because he was afraid of falling back into drinking, and he was scared of what it would do to John.

"I want to… not hate her, but I want to be mad at her. Mad at her for doing this, just so I can stop blaming myself. I saw how torn up she was sometimes, but I didn't ask her about it, because it would make it real. I thought… I didd't think she would reach out if it got too bad. I thought I would notice if it got this bad."

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So, like always, please review because they inspire me to keep pretending I know where this story is going. lol


	4. Misplaced anger

So, I had a case of seriously horrible writer's block, and I wrote this chapter to get through it. Because of it, I'm not sure exactly how good this chapter is. I think it's my weakest so far, but hopefully not too bad. So even if you dislike this chapter, please come back for the next one. Good news is, I will improve. I swear. :)

Disclaimer: I still own nothing... and it saddens me greatly.

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**Saturday; 7 pm.**

Olivia's eyes were closed, and if she didn't have tubes coming out of her mouth, and wires running over her body, Elliot would say she looked more peaceful than she had in months. Actually, if he was honest to himself, he would say that although she looked pale and worn out because of the shooting, she always looked like her real pain was hidden from the world. Ironically, it was that hidden pain that had brought them here.

Elliot had his hand covering hers, and he lightly stroked it, as if it would wake her if he was too obvious. He had already recovered from his gun shot wound in the thigh from last week, and his doctor had released him this morning. "I should have been there Liv." After a pause, he changed his mind. "No. No, _you_ shouldn't have been there Olivia. You should have been visiting me, or been at work, hell, you should have been on a date. Anything except what you decided to do. You felt trapped, but you weren't, I would have helped you. And as soon as you wake up, we're going to sit down, and have a long talk. I'll cry, you'll cry, and then we'll find a way to get back to work; like it's supposed to be."

He couldn't bring himself to think of work without her, and let alone a world without her. She was in his heart, and it scared him to think how important she really was to him. "I can't… I can't do the job without you anymore Olivia. We're a team, and I don't know how to be just Elliot anymore. When you're gone, all I am is Stabler, waiting for his other half. I don't want to be half of a team, half of a package; you keep me grounded on the job, and the rest of the time you're my best friend. I feel like I can tell you everything and I wish you had told me about all this. Sometimes we were at odds, but I am always here for you to talk to me, and together we could have figured out your problems." His vision was getting blurry courtesy of tears building in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall for her.

"I refuse to cry over you Liv. Because you aren't leaving me like this. You're going to wake up soon, and then, only then, will I cry over what you did, and what could have happened. I will be angry, and I will be heartbroken and devastated when I hear from your own lips what that piece of shit did to you, and why you didn't tell me the pain you were in." Elliot couldn't take his eyes off her face, even though it physically hurt to see the undeniable evidence that she was in a coma.

He endured the pain it caused him to look at her and see what he was losing because he felt like he had failed her in a way. He wasn't self-centered enough to think that his absence was what threw her off the edge, but he blamed himself for not noticing her depression, and the way she was slipping away from all of them. Thinking of the rest of the squad, he remembered Munch's visit. He had politely left the room when John had arrived to visit Olivia, and later told a guilty looking John that he didn't hate him, and didn't blame Olivia's condition solely on him. Elliot 

embraced him, and they spoke briefly. After their short conversation, John had left, saying he would come back tomorrow.

Just as Elliot's desperation at seeing Olivia in her condition was slowly ebbing away, giving room for anger at her foolish and criminal acts, Cragen lightly tapped on the door. "Captain, what took you so long to come see her?"

Cragen was slightly taken aback at his forceful and slightly aggressive tone, but decided against responding similarly. He was suffering just as bad as Elliot, and he didn't want to pick a fight in the hospital. "I was tied up with the situation for a little while, and spoke briefly with George. How is she doing?" Cragen's mind protested when he insisted on letting his eyes roam Olivia's deathly frail looking face.

"Did you come to see if she was better so you could keep a clean conscious? John came because he felt guilty, and because he cares about her. But what about you captain? Did you come to press charges, and take her badge while she is asleep? So she doesn't see how you betrayed her?" Elliot anger was controlling his mouth, and although somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that he was mad because Olivia was critically injured, he took it out on their Captain. Elliot felt slightly proud at the hurt look on Cragen's face, but he felt slightly unfulfilled at the release of anger.

Cragen recovered quickly however, and attacked as well. "It's not me who betrayed her. I failed her; I admit it, but you. You fucked up big time compared to me. Olivia mentioned how I refused to acknowledge her depression, but she said how you dumped all your shit on her when she needed your help." Cragen too felt a hollow sense of victory at the pain in Elliot's eyes, but he was blinded by the desperate need to hurt someone as much as he hurt.

Elliot stood, relieved that he could now walk without pain, so that he could walk over to Cragen who stood very close to the open door. "She hid her feelings on the job because she didn't want you to see weakness in her. She was so fucking desperate to prove herself in your presence because she didn't want you to force her off cases. If you hadn't always hounded her to keep professional and never admit the cases affected her, she wouldn't have kept quiet about her attack and almost rape!"

It a blind rage, Cragen took hold of Elliot's shirt collar, heaving him off the ground, and still grasping him, pushed him out into the corridor. Slamming him against the wall, they attracted a couple of gazes, but neither noticed. Elliot looked startled, and tried to force himself down. "Don't you ever say that to me again. Don't you dare Elliot. I know you are hurting, and that's why I haven't punched you yet. But don't take out your guilt on me; I have enough of my own. You fucked up, you didn't notice, and neither did anyone else. We're all to fucking blame, but it was Olivia who decided to break the law. She might have lost control, but she is the one who raised a gun to her temple." Cragen let Elliot drop to the floor, and only took one step back.

"We need to forgive ourselves for being so blind, and we need to realize that Olivia lost control and she screwed up. She needs counseling, and you know that I will fight the brass tooth and nail if they try to convict her." Elliot had stared mutely at his captain since he had slammed him against the wall, and now looked at his feet in shame.

"I'm really sorry captain." He took a chance to look at Cragen, and saw, that much like him, Cragen's abrupt anger had disappeared, and now just the emptiness resided in both of them. "You should see her captain; you have always been really important to her, and she would probably like to hear your voice. I should go lay down for a bit." He silently turned, and when he was at the door of his room, one door from Olivia's, Cragen spoke to him.

"We need to be strong not only for her Elliot. We need to be strong for each other." With a look that spoke of forgiveness, Cragen stared at Elliot, and then walked into Olivia's room.

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I want to thank **Aranka** for the suggestion of the sub plot, and I am considering incorporating since you brought it up.

If anyone else has any ideas they want included into the story, please send it to me in a review, and if it fits with what I have in mind, I will incorporate it into the story.


	5. Gossip, hypocrisy, and slipping

_Wow, so sorry I took so long to update. My life... kind of sucked for a while there, and I couldn't bring myself to write anything. Besides personal problems, I had a large amount of homework and tests for my AP classes. Well, I'll stop whining and just say I hope you enjoy, and thanks for all the people that are reading._

_I own nothing affiliated with the Law and Order franchise. Only the DVD's... thats all I own... :(_

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**Sunday: 8 am.**

"I think her story is the most talked about these days…" Alison spoke animatedly and quietly to Molly her coworker at the nurses' station. Sunday's were relatively slow, and the early morning lull brought on the animated the gossip once more. Lucy walked back to the nurses' station from the supply closet. "You know, I hear she's a spy. That she was on a secret mission, and she was ratted out by another operative." "No, no, _I_ heard that she is being investigated by the CIA for mercenary killings here in Manhattan! But their keeping it quiet." Rosy spoke with a gleam in her eye, and everyone looked around secretively and thought of the possibility of her theory than anyone else. The four nurses stayed quiet until Alison spoke up again.

"You girls are way off. I know for a fact that that older man is her father, and he's NYPD. So is she, but she went crazy and took a hostage. The man next door to hers is her partner." Alison was of course, yet again, the only voice of reason, and the only one right. "Psh, you're such a story killer. There is no way…" Rosy quickly shut up and changed her story when they saw Dr. Williams walking up to them. "So as I was saying, the IV needles need to, oh! Dr. Williams, what brings you over here so early in the morning?"

"Rosy, ladies. Have you guys been talking about my patient again?" He wagged his finger at them mockingly and shot them a smile at their guilty faces. "Why, we would _never!_" Alison's sarcastic and mocking tone caused laughter to ripple through the group, and Dr. Williams rolled his eyes.

"Well, I'll go check on my patient, and I'll leave you to Alison, who can tell you the real story." He winked overly obvious and smiled as he walked across the hall and entered Olivia's room.

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**Same time, unknown location in Hospital**

I'm don't know where, exactly I am because I've been roaming the halls of the hospital for ten minutes. All I know is that I've passed yet another unappetizing vending machine; the seventh one so far. The cafeteria I was in 30 minutes ago was less appealing however, so, I'll walk some more.

I'm not sure why I won't just man up and go see her. I'm like a man who preaches at church, then goes home and tells himself there is no god. I'm a hypocrite. But, even though I want to see her, I rather not face it. I want to stay here, walking the halls, and telling myself that as long as I don't go see her, this won't be true.

Man, I need a shrink of my own.

"Sir? Sir, are you lost? Is there some room I can direct you to?" The nurse looking at me is young; she looks like she's been at this hospital too long, yet, not long enough to lose hope.

"uh… sure. Yeah, I need to find room… actually; I don't know what room she's in." I smack myself in the forehead, my eyes are wide as I whisper, more to myself than to her, "This is freaking unbelievable! Can you believe I don't know what room she's in? I've talked to everyone who has seen her, and I never asked…"

The nurse looks at me sympathetically and I realize she's not as young as originally thought; she can spot a man who isn't crazy, but instead is just lost. "Sir, maybe you can tell me what patient you are looking for, and I can look it up on the computer." She walked us over to the nurse's station that was right behind me, and the other nurses only looked at me a couple of times.

"Yes, thank you. I'm looking for Detec- I mean, Olivia. Olivia Benson. She's in a coma." I don't know why I mentioned it, but it was the first time I spoke it out loud to myself and not to others. Maybe if I had looked up, instead of staring at the counter top, I would have realized how the four nurses looked at each other wide-eyed. Maybe, I would have noticed she didn't have to type it into the computer to know what room it was; I was too deep in thought to notice any of it. "She is in room 325. It's that one, right there behind you."

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Dr. Williams was taking note of her heart rate and blood pressure when he heard the door open slowly. A man, younger than Olivia's last visitor, walked in, and he was probably around Olivia's age. When George noticed the doctor, his was pulled out of his trance-like state, and quickly regained his normal confidence. "Oh, excuse me doctor. I hope I'm not in your way; I just wanted to see if Olivia was alright. I'm George Huang by the way." He extended hand, which the doctor shook.

"Well, I'm Dr. Williams, and I'm finished here, so I'll leave you to your visit." The doctor put his pen back in his white coat and headed for the door, when George spoke to him. "How is she?" It was said so quietly and yet, there was no weakness in George's voice; the doctor turned to him and looked him in the eyes, speaking politely. "I would like to tell you, but Ms. Benson's specific medical information is to be given to her medical proxy, Mr. Stabler. He is another patient of mine, and I have already informed him of her condition. Perhaps you should ask him. Or, Donald Cragen, her next of kin."

"Look, Doctor Williams, I already know she's in a coma, and that her chances are slim. I also know however, that Elliot is in denial and truly believes everything will be fine. Don knows all the real details; I know not because he told me, but I can tell because he's losing himself. Now, I'm one of her closest friends, and I've acted as her shrink before. Anything you tell me, will stay between me and her, because of our doctor-patient confidentiality." George took a deep breath, running a hand over his face, and added, "Please. I don't know… I can't help any of her fellow officers. I need to know to help them help themselves… I need to… know so I can sleep tonight."

After a few moments of silence, Dr. William's spoke up. "Olivia is in critical condition, but she is stable for now. She lost a large amount of blood from the shooting; it was near enough to the heart that the operation was highly dangerous. She slipped into a coma after she was revived from cardiac arrest shortly after being transferred into this room. She was severely dehydrated, and malnourished. I estimate she had not eaten a decent meal three to four days before the shooting."

When the doctor paused, George took a seat on the chair by her bedside. "There was evidence that not long ago, no more than a week, she was either assaulted, or was in a serious fight, which left her vulnerable, and the shooting plus malnourishment made her even weaker. I'm not sure if she is stable enough to wake, or even survive." Dr. Williams studied the man sitting by her side, and realized why this man looked slightly familiar. He had seen Elliot, Donald Cragen, another older man, visit this patient. They all had the same lost look in their eyes; the same hurt look on their faces.

"Thank you." George put a hand over Olivia's and quickly looked up to the doctor. He nodded, leaving quietly as George looked back at Olivia, not sure of what to say.

* * *

**Mike's bar: 10:10 am**

"You know, it is a little early to be at a bar don't you think?" Johnny, the bartender stood behind the counter next to his one and only customer. The man had been sitting there since 9:30, when they opened, and hadn't been able to order anything until 10 minutes ago. Johnny was guessing recovering alcoholic considering how guilty he looked, how long it had taken to order, and how he had yet to touch his beer.

"Well, why do you open so early?" He took his eyes off his drink and looked up at Johnny. "I need to find my oblivion." With those words, Don Cragen took his first big gulp of alcohol is many, many years.

* * *

**Olivia's room, 325: 10:37 am.**

George was quiet by Olivia's side, and he had fallen into a sort of coma as well. After talking for a while, he had lost the ability to speak. Around an hour ago, he had stopped talking altogether, and he was unmoving, his eyes locked on her face. Finally, he was able to find his voice.

"I find myself quite literally, confused, Olivia. I've talked to John, and Don, and even Elliot shortly, and I find words to tell them, and I can help them through their problems, but when I go home, I sit in silence. That's never happened to me. I've never gone home and had something follow me there."

He shifts in his seat and looks away from her. "I finally feel what you feel. Well, what all of you feel. But, having spoken to you for so many years, I know your pain is different. And, I feel a degree of what you have for so long. And I realize… I never understood before. I realize that whenever I told you that you would be fine, I didn't understand as fully as I thought I did."

"As selfish as it may sound… I wish I didn't know. I wish I could tell myself I understand, yet not feel it. I'm so sorry Olivia. I imagine that Elliot, John and Cragen must have told you this, but I feel a dose of guilt as well. As a shrink… as a friend, I should have noticed you were this close to breaking."

"We need-" The sudden series of loud beeps from her heart monitor interrupted his words. Everything happened in a blur then.

George barely had time to realize that Olivia's heart rate was skyrocketing. He could hear someone screaming for help, and then realized it was him. Just as she started seizing, a group of people ran in, one of them the nurse that had helped him, and Olivia's doctor. Somehow, he realized he was still screaming; yelling at them to help her, to do something when he heard her flat line. He was pushed rather harshly out of the way, and a name-less nurse pulled him out of the room as they started charging the defibrillator machine.

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_silence... I hope you review, so I will be inspired to update quickly! What happens next? I really have no clue, but I have started writing the next chapter._


	6. Standing while falling

_So, I really wanted more reviews than I got last chapter. It made me a little sad to see so little. For those that did review, I really appreciate it.'_

_I still own nothing, because if I did, I would need better ideas..._

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Walking from his car to the hospital was bad enough. Now, as he exits the elevator on floor 4 and turns to the right at the first corner, Fin sees more commotion than he wanted. It took him all of half a second to realize something really bad was happening, then another half a second to take it all in. George was crouched next to the door that Fin assumed was Olivia's; there were nurses running in and out of the room, and there seemed to be something really important going on in there because there were bangs and thumps and "Clear!" resonating in the halls.

Just as Fin runs over to where George is, George looks up, and Elliot runs out of his own hospital bed, gym bag and shoes in hand. "What the hell is going on here?" Fin manages to barely control his voice, but still sounds panicked. Elliot is disheveled, and if they had to guess, George and Fin would say he was getting dressed when he heard the ruckus. "I was… and then… she, and they kicked me out!" George managed to stand up straight, but he was mumbling, his eyes cast on the door behind Fin, and he seemed in a daze.

"Look, George. I have no idea what you're babbling on about. You need to take a breath, and explain to us why Olivia's room just turned into a doctor's convention!" Elliot was fighting the urge to shove him to knock him out of it, and Fin must have read his mind because he arranged himself next to George instead of in front of him. "I was… just sitting there, saying something to her, and then her heart rate spiked. I barely realized what was happening, I was already screaming for help, and then doctors are running everywhere. Just before they kicked me out… I heard it…" George trails off, his mind somewhere else, and Fin can't stand what that implies. He crosses his arms in front of him and very coldly asks, "You heard her flat-line didn't you?"

Elliot pales when George says nothing and fin paces back and forth in a few feet. "What the hell are you doing with your gym bag Elliot!?" Anger is in Fin's voice now, but Elliot is too shaken to notice. "Uh, I was released last night, but I fell asleep. I just woke up. I was getting dressed when I hear all this out here." Elliot is so focused on the door of Olivia's room for so long without blinking that his vision begins to blur.

George is in a daze, so he goes to sit at the chairs that are across the hallway at the nurse's station. Face to face with the door, George remembers the panic he went through in those mere moments, and decides he needs to call people, because neither Fin nor Elliot are in any state to make phone calls. Before he can take out his phone, however, Fin stops pacing and turns to him; fear, panic, and anger are visible on his face, and George curses himself for not talking to him right after speaking with John in 'therapy'.

"What did you say to her? How long were you sitting with her George? Why the fuck didn't you call anyone as soon as it happened?!"

Not one for short bursts of anger, George tries to calm himself, although it is very unsuccessful. "You know what? Screw you Fin." He gets off his chair and marches over to where Fin stands, and right next to him is Elliot, now fully paying attention to what is unfolding. "Here I was, visiting _my _friend; checking on how _she's_ doing, just like I have every right to do. What, because we aren't close means that Olivia and I aren't?" He takes a breath and finally regains his composure. "Uh, look. It all happened very fast and when you showed up- when you both showed up, I had, literally, just gotten kicked out."

Fin, totally lost in his own thoughts, only managed to nod. Elliot seemed to have awoken from his shock and spoke once more. "You know, we've been out here for more than 5 minutes. Did anyone notice that the noises stopped a while ago?" As if on cue, Dr. Williams exited Olivia's room.

Elliot tried to read into every detail on his face, but as many years as he had been a detective, he couldn't find a clue as to what was going on. "Unfortunately, I have no time to spare. As I'm sure George has told you, there were very serious complications with Olivia a couple of minutes ago. I am sorry but I'm going to have to ask you to please head down to the 3rd floor. There is a waiting room there."

When they noticed that the doctor was not releasing any more information, Fin stopped him with a soft hand on the elbow, impeding him from turning back into Olivia's room. "Wait, wait doc. What's going on? How is she?"

There was a sudden urgent call from one of the nurses, and this time all four of them heard Olivia's racing heart. "Look, go downstairs. Call loved ones." With those ominous and hurried words, the doctor was gone, and the three of them were left to stand there and stare at the closed door once more.

Fin, taking the role as the 'strong' one, seeing how Elliot was worried and George was trying to maintain his cool, lead them to the elevators silently.

* * *

"Come on. Pick up! Pick up damn it!" Fin paced quickly back and forth in the waiting room, while Elliot and George sat behind him. Just as he was about to close his phone, Cragen finally answered. "Fin?" Fin exhales a sigh of relief and braces himself for the job of informing their captain of Olivia's condition. "Hey captain, I'm at the hospital… you're going to have to get down here…"

Cragen is silent on the other side of the phone call and then Fin hear shuffling and a distant voice say "Thanks for the tip." Before he can ask where he is, Cragen is speaking once more. "What happened? She is… how is she?"

Fin quickly tells him about how he found George outside, and how critical Olivia is right now. As he hears the Captain's engine roar in the background, Cragen says he'll be there in 10 minutes and hangs up.

When the phone call is over, Fin hangs his head and George speaks up. "Fin, here, uh, let me call Casey and Munch. Just take a seat, and relax." George stands and puts a hand on Fin's shoulder, but Fin only shakes it off. "No, it's fine, I should call my partner, he'll take it… better, I guess."

George can only watch as Fin resumes his pacing, and listens to him softly tell John about her condition. Right before he hangs up, George hears him ask if John can pick up Casey, because she'll be in no state to drive. It seems as though John agrees but says something else before hanging up, because George notices how Fin shakes his head slightly and runs his hands over his face.

Feeling both George and Elliot staring at him, Fin looks up towards the hospital ceiling and says, "He's gonna pick up Casey, so I don't need to call her." He slowly sits next to Elliot, and mutters, "You know, Munch is right… no one is fit to function, let alone drive when Olivia's critical. Thank god you were still here Elliot, or you might have gone berserk."

Knowing how true his words are, Elliot stares blankly ahead of him and starts to pray unconsciously, while he repeatedly clenches and then unclenches his fists.

**15 minutes later:**

The elevator can be heard opening, and loud footsteps are heard rapidly approaching the waiting room. Only Elliot and George stand when Casey, John and Cragen enter all seemingly out of breath. "How is she?" "What's the news?" "Have they said anything?" They all speak at once, and Elliot hangs onto his rapidly thinning self-control to answer them. "The doctors haven't come to tell us anything, and when Fin went up there 5 mintues ago, they didn't let him in to see her. Right, Fin?"

Fin looks up but doesn't make eye contact with any of them. "Yeah… I.. they didn't let me see her." And then he quickly drops his eyes back to his hands that rest folded on his lap.

Elliot observes his friends and Captain and takes in their faces. Casey looks like she's broken, yet, in control but they all know that Casey and Olivia were very close, despite various conflicts they once had. Cragen looks overly haggard, and so does John, almost as though they both haven't sleep and have been stressed out for days, which is a reasonable assumption to make.

John takes a seat next to his partner, and seeing as they have nothing they really want to discuss, Elliot sits back down between Fin and George. Cragen leaves a chair between himself and George, while Casey sits next to Cragen. With the close proximity, Casey notices something about Cragen, and she realizes his glassy eyes are not fear or grief induced, and the way he distanced himself one seat over from George was intentional.

Casey waits a minute, and when she realizes that John, Fin, Elliot and George are busy talking about what they did and didn't see, she tells Cragen, "Can I talk to you a moment captain?"

Cragen shifts to his right to face her, but she shakes her head. "No, Captain. Alone." She gives him a knowing look, and he stands, leading her out of the waiting room. When he is just outside, Elliot looks up, and before he can ask, Casey just says, "He left something in his car, I'm going with him. We'll be right back."

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_So... I really really really, want reviews. My birthday is only 6 months away... maybe it can be a really early birthday present? :D how bout that? Huh? I think it sounds like a plan._

By the way, I know this chapter didn't really go anywhere, but please excuse me. The next chapter is full of lots of new developments, so I needed to give a little background and introduce Casey and Fin into the story. I don't know where Kathy is... I forgot to write her in before, and now I don't know where to put her, so I might just write her off somewhere.


	7. Rants on rooftops

_So, originally, what you are seeing here was only half the plot on one chapter. But when I wrote what I had first planned, it was wayyy too rushed, so I wrote this longer, and essentially left you hanging... but only until Tuesday, because I don't have school Tuesday, and will actually have time to finish writing the next chapter that day. BUT, I still want as many reviews as you can spare. _

_Disclaimer: If I owned any part of Law & Order SVU, I wouldn't screw up between present and past tense in my writing. I would also be a LOT more popular. _

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Cragen actually amazes himself by giving in so easily into Casey's request to speak to him in private. Unlike previous chats, he knows this one will be more personal than any other, and will dip into topics he does not, and cannot talk to her about. But, at the same time, knowing she won't understand completely is good enough for him, because he knows that he will never feel totally comfortable talking to anyone again if Olivia's condition worsens.

So, he follows her lead towards the elevators and only takes matters into his own hands when deciding what floor they will head to. He watches out of the corner of his eye as she watches him with a fierce determination. He almost stops breathing when he realizes that the look she is giving him is eerily similar to the one that Olivia has given him countless times. After his realization, all he can do is close his eyes and fall back onto the elevator wall until it stops on the roof.

It seems that they have an unspoken deal that Casey will lead this whole show, so she leads them towards the edge of the roof that over looks a nice view of the city, and has a very convenient 4 ft high wall. Sensing that he is becoming restless, Casey speaks for the first time since she lied to the squad downstairs.

"How have you been handling things Captain?" She goes with a formal but concerned tone, much like the words she uses. He smirks, and although he is facing her, she can't seem to get any idea as to what he's thinking. "How bout you drop the captain thing, and I won't refer to you as counselor…hm?" His sarcastic tone does not surprise her, instead seems to encourage her to speak more freely.

"Fine, _Don. _ Let's do this personally, huh? Now, I know that you love Olivia. She's been this kind of daughter to you, and I really think that's great. Don't let my anger fool you; she has hurt a lot more than I will probably ever know, and she deserves to have someone like you to care about her." She takes a long and deep breath to steady her shaking hands and her eyes shift away from Cragen and towards the New York skyline.

"How long?" Her words are barely more than a whisper, and the wind almost carries away her words. But, even though Cragen hasn't made any sudden expressions, and hasn't spoken, Casey knows that he heard her. She can tell in the way he too turns to the view of New York, and he answers her unspoken questions instead of her half-asked one.

"When I became a commanding officer, I saw some of the best detectives go through my squads. When I found my position at SVU, I knew that was it. That was the squad that would give me purpose and nightmares; that position would make sure I stayed sober. It was more of a quiet peace than a thought, that settled in me when I finished putting my things in that office. Everything was just that, quiet; until Olivia joined." Cragen stuffs his hands deep into his jacket and takes a deep breath.

"When I met her, I was instantly attached. I didn't know it consciously though, it was more like suddenly I cared about how she was feeling when she showed up early, or I worried when she was late. Elliot finally seemed to fit perfectly with his partner, not like his previous ones, and as Captain, I felt she brought so much into the squad, and didn't ask for anything." Casey watches him intently, and Cragen refuses to meet her gaze; occupying himself in uncrossing and re-crossing his arms across his chest.

"As humans, we have the need to form bonds; make friendships and relationships. In my mind I knew that Olivia needed these things, so I would talk to her, care about her, and make sure Elliot was a good partner to her. But when she started slipping, I wanted to chalk it up to sickness or just plain irritation at our horrible jobs. When she was fine, I worried, but as soon as she really started hurting, I subconsciously turned a blind eye. I failed her in the worst possible way…"

Casey's vision is blurred by the tears that threaten to fall, but she soldiers on, knowing that's what Olivia would do. "You think you're making it up to her by drinking?" Her voice is surprisingly steady, and her anger is taking hold. "You think she would be proud of you're slipping and hiding it? She would have wanted better for you, and she would have told you that nothing is worth losing your control. She respects and admires you for many things, and one of them is your strength; you want to disappoint her like this?!"

Cragen turns to her in a flash, and takes hold of her shoulders and shakes her very lightly. "You think that I can control myself… there is no control to hold onto here Casey! And Olivia, she's gone! The woman lying in that bed is not Olivia Benson! She is a hollow shell of who she was, and it is our fault! She never trusted us to hold her up, because she was too good to 'burden' us, and it blew up in our faces when we finally realized she was broken and hurting! I needed to find my oblivion today Casey, and usually, I spent time with Olivia, and she would keep me together. Now I realize that by asking her to fix me, she was forgetting herself, and I was slowing destroying the most important person in my life."

* * *

Just as Elliot stands to go look for Casey and Cragen, who are taking too long, Olivia's doctor walks into the waiting room. Fin and George quickly get to their feet, and the doctor raises a hand to quiet them before they can bombard him with questions. "Not to scare you, but Olivia had to be revived twice today, and she's actually even more critical right now than she was before... But I do have some good news… she's awake."

At the doctor's short pause, George takes the opportunity to ask his questions. "What exactly triggered her 'death', for lack of a better term..?" Elliot shoots him an incredulous look, and Fin stares at him too. "Well, it seems that Olivia's heart began to pump in overdrive. When her lungs couldn't get enough air into her body, she suffocated."

"Well, how is it possible for her to have woken up?" Fin speaks evenly, but his tone is skeptical. "I am going to have to admit it is very strange, and not to be pessimistic, but I suspect that if she falls into another coma, she will probably not wake. In this fragile of a state, her body can not afford to slow down so much, and her body would likely slow to such a point that she would just have to rely on machines to keep her alive."

Personally satisfied with just knowing Olivia was awake, Elliot just asked if he could she her. "I would actually recommend you go visit her. I should warn you, she may be acting differently, but do not agitate her. We need to keep her calm." With these words, the doctor nodded, and left. Making their way to the elevator the doctor had come from, Elliot took out his cell phone and pressed 3 on his speed dial.

* * *

_**Meanwhile…**_

"Don, you can't just think that if you drown your sorrows in alcohol, Olivia will get better! You have no more blame than any of us, and you're condoning your risky and illogical behavior because of Olivia's situation!"

Cragen took a step away from Casey, and now his back rested on the small wall of the edge of the roof. "I am not saying that she will get better, or I will feel less guilty, Casey. It was a lapse in judgment, and I don't want to slip up again… it's just, so hard. I have all these emotions right now, and I don't know how to deal with them. I am mad at myself, and Elliot, and the rest of us for taking her for granted! How many times did you thank her for looking out for you? For being there when in the beginning the cases were too tough?"

They are staring each other in the eyes; something they hadn't had the courage to do before in this conversation. Cragen continues his rant. "I know _**I**_ didn't tell her she wasn't a failure or a burden to all those around her enough, telling her that her mother was wrong and cruel to tell her that when she was growing up-"

Cragen's phone rings, interrupting their conversation, and they silently realize that it came at the perfect moment. They both know that they were about to let those tears that had gathered in their eyes fall, and breaking down is out of the question. As he opens his phone, Cragen clears his throat trying to remove the excess of emotion from his voice. "Cragen."

"She's awake. Get over here, cause she's awake and we can visit her; I'm getting on the elevator now." Elliot speaks too fast and too out of breath, and if Cragen wasn't used to it, he wouldn't have understood a word. But, as things stood, he did, and Cragen shut his phone closed without a word, knowing Elliot was about to do the same.

Cragen grabs hold of Casey's arm and pulls her forward. "Come on, Liv's awake!"

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Hmm... so I think reviews are wonderful, useful and inspiring, so leave me some! :)


	8. long chats broken spirit

_REVIEW!!_

_Disclaimers: nothing is mine. Just this plot, and the way i wrote the story._

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After years of dealing with hostage situations, gunshot wounds, attempts of murder against them, sick pedophiles and rapists, the pair of SVU detectives, and an FBI psychiatrist are frozen at the sight of a hospital room. They have been standing outside of her door for a few minutes, and even though the desire to see Olivia and see firsthand that she is awake is overwhelming, so is the apprehension.

"We're just going to wait for Casey and the Captain. We don't want to leave them out of the loop…" Fin is really only trying to convince himself, and the other two that they aren't scared, just stalling. "I wish it were true… let's face it…we're cowards." Elliot takes a deep breath and continues, "I need to see her first. Just… let me have a moment with her. When Cragen and Casey get here, bring them up to speed. I'll come and tell you when we're done." With one last look at George and Fin, Elliot enters.

* * *

Olivia can hear the door ease open, and before she can even see him, she knows its Elliot. She can't help but think they've known each other way too long if she can tell it is him just by the way he walks. Finally, he rounds the corner, and they are face to face.

Silence prevails for what seems like hours, but surely must have been just seconds. Elliot is looking at her as if she will disappear if he blinks too many times, and it's a feeling they both know well. "Hey Liv." The pity in his voice is almost too much to bear, and Olivia can't look him in the eyes.

"Elliot." Her tone is clipped, and hoarse, and she can't remember the last time she was this thirsty. "How long was I out of it?"

"You lost a lot of blood in the surgery, so you lapsed into a coma late Friday night. Right now it's a little before noon, Sunday." She realizes the fact that he is not being very tactful, or even giving her straight answers.

"You're mad. I understand. It wouldn't be very logical of you to come in here and cry and tell me everything is going to be alright. " She is being clinical, and somewhere in the back of her mind she remembers her high school psych class. '_After a traumatic event, people choose to speak clinically detached from their own environment as a means of coping, _yeah… whatever.'

"Olivia, don't tell me what I'm feeling, I'm trying to understand. I've- everyone, has been worried sick, and you need to realize that what you did affected everyone." He walks closer to her hospital bed and stares down at her even though she won't raise her head to let him see her.

He doesn't know how to begin any kind of conversation, and he feels like she would know what to say, and it makes him feel inadequate. "It is quite amazing how one person can enter your life and change you completely. It's like, before this person, you were lost and you didn't know it until they found you. This is who you were to me. You found me, and I wasn't even aware I was lost. But I didn't do you justice Olivia."

She turns her head towards the window and speaks again, this time her voice is stronger. "Well Elliot, I think you did just fine. It's not your fault that you got shot, in fact I think I could have prevented it, if my head weren't so far up my ass all the time. And-" she raises her voice because he is trying to interrupt, "it's not your fault that I was assaulted by that ass-wipe." She looks every bit as serious as she sounds, and he can't help but be disgusted with the blame she is throwing upon herself.

"Wow, Olivia. This is fucking unbelievable. I can't believe what you're saying… I got shot because a perp panicked and lost control. You did try and stop it, but you aren't superwoman Olivia! You need to reach out to others and let us help you like you help us! We care abut you Olivia, and we've been trying to figure out how the hell you got to this point and we didn't realize it."

"Got to what point Elliot? Have you ever thought that maybe 'this point' is all I have lived for _years_ now? Ever thought that you did do me justice because if you guys hadn't shown me… damn you Elliot…" She is fighting tears and her voice fails her.

"When he attacked me… all I could do was think 'I can't become her' I was so afraid El. So fucking afraid. For a while, he was just beating me so bad that I just wanted to give up. For some reason, I kept fighting, and eventually I overcame him." Olivia hides her faces in her hands and Elliot moves so he is standing less than an arms length away.

"I wanted to give up El. After all these cases, all the threats, the loneliness… it was too much. I thought for a brief moment, right before I won the fight, I thought this could just be written off as a horrible accident that Detective Olivia Benson couldn't beat. I could have just died trying to 'fight' my attacker, and that's it." Olivia is silently crying, and Elliot can only tell because her breathing is erratic.

Even though he wants to tell her something, anything, to reassure her and calm her, he can't. All Elliot can do is stand there, and listen as in a low whisper she says one more thing. "I should have died then Elliot. It would have saved you guys this mess." Finally, Olivia lifts her head, and looks at Elliot for the briefest of moments, then turns it away from him.

As he gathers his thoughts from the horrible picture Olivia has depicted right before his eyes, she mutters. "What was that Liv?"

"I think you should leave Elliot. Kathy must be worried about you." Elliot realizes sadly that the fact that Olivia puts his needs before hers isn't what surprises him. What does surprise him is that he has not spoken to his wife since yesterday morning when he told her that he needed to stay here because Olivia was in a coma. He had not thought of his wife at all since then, and he felt a small twinge of guilt.

"I'm not leaving until we talk about this Olivia." His words are soft and almost melodic, and Olivia can't help but be softened by them.

"El… you really do not want to talk about this…" She turns her head back to face him, and her eyes are glassy. "Yes Liv. You need to talk about it, and so do I." His face is sullen, and she instantly notices that her attempted suicide/hostage taking really did take a toll on him.

"Elliot I just… I lost it. After I was done feeling sorry for myself, I just got so angry. So fucking angry, I had to do something… I couldn't stand there and pretend to do my job while I thought about the assault. When I finally did it; when I found him and pointed my gun at his head… I couldn't do it. I called Fin… and after I hung up he started taunting me. He told me the same things he had said that night. How afraid I was, that I didn't have to courage to really hurt him back- to kill him. I finally hit him over the head with my gun, and it knocked him unconscious."

Elliot takes the chair next to her bed and slides it closer to her, taking a seat as she stares over to the door. "They're outside right?" He is slightly caught off guard by her question, and she continues without waiting for his response.

"Of course they are. I want to say I'm sorry… that I really didn't want to kill myself, that I only wanted justice, that I wasn't going to kill Jake." She says his name as if it tastes like sour milk, "I want to say those thing El. I want to say them and mean it, but… I don't know if that is true."

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_So, this chapter was written kind of in a hurry, because I was writing it while I clean the house. Hopefully, that does not show..._

_Please review, because I feel lonely, and I want some feed back before I continue. I would also really appreciate some ideas because my inspiration has left me, and since I don't want to kill Olivia, I have no idea where to go from here._

I have to leave my story for a while because I have family issues that came up, but if I get a lot of reviews, I will pick my story back up and finish it as soon as I can.


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